Whenever, Wherever, Whatever (Part 2)

Whenever, Wherever, Whatever (Part 2)
By: Anonymous

hot-pinoy-hunks-in-underwear-88After that, I fixated myself in College life. Then after graduation, I focused on work. To tell you the truth, I never got any boyfriends after Toffee. I dated a couple, had some flings, but it never became serious. Dahil nga I constrictly protested sexual proceedings before a relationship, eh ayun natigang ako for a long time. Kaya tigang pa rin ako until the time na may nangyari sa amin ni Peter. It was really nothing, tapos! Talagang purely libog lang. I apologized to him when we woke up after the incident at my place but he said,

“What for? Para namang hindi ako yung gumawa ng first move.”

Nakokonsensya ako syempre, hello may girlfriend yung tao. Na sa sorang pagiging close namin eh para ng kapatid turing ko sa kanya. Never in my mind na sumagi sa utak ko na may mangyayari sa amin. At sa kung kailan nasa matino akong pag-iisip kasi hindi naman ako lasing para pagnasahan ko siya eh saka naman may nangyari samin.

Heto kasi iyun, ininvite ko siyang mag-coffee sa bahay after namin kumain sa labas at dahil na rin may kukunin siya sa bahay. Which is yung librong tapos ko ng basahin at gusto kong ipabasa sa kanya. (Out of town kasi nun si Maja.) Sabi kasi niya gusto na niyang umpisahan yung book kasi sobrang excited daw ako nung nakwento ko sa kanya. The ambiance in the room, the song of Nora Jones playing in the background, dim lights, me sitting in the lounge chair just meters away from him sipping coffee and him suddenly staring at me and when our eyes met made the perfect setting for a predicament that something would happen that night. Punyetang Nora Jones kasi yan. When he moved inches near me, I sensed a different air coming from him and something came up on my mind which I presumed would happen which indeed happened. He grabbed my head and kissed me, lip locked my lips to his and inserted his tongue as if mine were never to escape his delirious desire.
With his woody, intoxicating scent due to his perfume, made him seem to be so irresistible. Ito ang tinatawag na TANGINA, kahit naman siguro may iharap sa iyo na gwapong lalaki maski magdasal ka sa mga Santo para hindi ma-tempt, maski alam mong hindi ka naman nila pwedeng tulungan, eh hindi ka ba naman bumigay. Kaya ayun, his fingers tore my clothes open, his tongue lashing on every part of my body, his fingers caressing every sensual area I never imagined, his hands going to places I never expected and he was so passionate about pleasing me. I never received a blowjob from him, but his kisses would have made me come, alone. Our bodies were gyrating in skin to skin friction of sheer ecstasy. When he kissed me, I kissed him harder. When I couldn’t hold it any longer that I want to take him inside me, I pushed him in the sofa and bobbed my head to his private area in all directions that made him moan and groan like there’s no tomorrow. Going to his navel, his nipples that were as pink as a girls’, kissing his neck up to his lips which was the only process of delivering my desire within that moment.

I had silent screams of elated feelings and bit on the sofa pillow as hard as I could as he entered me. Akala ko magiging gentle siya habang pinapasok niya ang kanya sa likuran ko pero hindi, sinagad agad nung hayop na yun which made me scream and made him even more excited and at the same time, the tension made me even rowdy. Para kang nanonood ng porno na hardcore kasi sa sobrang rough ng sex namin that night. The chemistry which is yung pagiging tigang ko, and him who never slept with a guy for a long time made the both of us experts in the field on that uncalled night. Simply amazing how the both of us came. We were so tired of the fucking that we forgot to come and sabay kaming nagcollapse sa carpet flooring. And he came on top of me and kissed me and both of us came, our genitals clashing together. Kaya nung pag-gising ko sa umaga, with him beside me and us naked with his arms wrapped around me, I just noticed na sobrang lagkit ng tiyan ko from our dried cum. When I realized who was beside me, nagising siya and I said in an extreme manner, “I’m sorry!”

After that “sex thingy” that we had, he somewhat became serious about things and I evaded him as much as possible. He never laughed at my usual jokes, even pag kasama girlfriend niya para siyang palaging wala sa sarili niya. I always pretended to be busy at talagang kung anu-anong dahilan nirarason ko pag gusto niyang lumabas. Maski sa mga bonding moments namin, he would always seem off. Pag nakasama naman ako sa mga lakad nilang dalawa, I pretended everything was alright. Whenever I would ask him what’s wrong, kung may problema sa work or with Maja he would just say na okay lang lahat. Whenever he would text me a question if I was evading him, sabi ko lang, talagang marami akong ginagawa. Pano ba naman magiging okay eh palagi siyang mukhang tanga pag nakikita ko siya. At pano ba namang hindi niya mapapansing iniiwasan ko siya eh nahuli niya akong nagsinungaling, kasi sinurpresa niya ako sa office dahil gusto niyang lumabas after work. Una muna, nagyaya siya through text at reply ko naman nakaalis na ako. Saka naman paglabas ko sa building eh andun siya. Hindi na lang siya nagtanong at nginitian na lang ako at ako naman nagdahilan ulit. Buti na lang nagring ang phone ko at yung head ng department namin ay nagtawag ng emergency meeting at lifesaver talaga. Para na rin maiwasan kong magdahilan pa ng kung ano-ano sa kanya kaya nakatakas ako kahit papano maski hindi ko madrawing mukha niya. Sa totoo lang, parang palaging lumilipad isip niya. Siguro nahahalata niya na dahil may nangyari sa amin. Kaya distant ako. Then I finally found out his reason why he acted that way, of why all the time he was not the same.

It happened one late night when he invited me to watch some movies at his place, it was not a first but it was a first time for me that he invited me to sleep there kasi nga DVD marathon daw. Of course being the friendly best friend that I am to him, I agreed to his invitation with one condition na walang inuman because I don’t like drinking. Maybe smoking pwede pa, pero drinking until we pass out, I just don’t like that idea. It was 9:00pm when I rang the doorbell and si Manang yung nakabukas at naka-pangtulog na. It was a Saturday eve. When I entered his pad, nagulat ako kung bakit napaka-gloomy nung place. Wala man lang ilaw na nakabukas sa sala at parang wala yung mga katulong niya. When I went to the lounge room, there I saw stacks of beer cans piled up na para bang maraming darating. And I saw him sitting on the sofa wearing a white shirt and his boxers. Galing ako sa office, prim and proper na naka-formal ako kaya I felt slightly awkward na nakapangtulog na siya. He looked so sad, empty and hollow na para bang namatayan. “Make yourself at home. Sorry kung may beer, I just felt like drinking. I don’t want you to drink so I’m drinking it all by myself.”

Naturingan ko na siyang best friend sa totoo lang, kase when the time na ako yung depressed about my Dad leaving my Mom for another woman, kasama ko si Peter na kainuman sa bahay ko and he was comforting me, hugging me with all his might just to help me ease the pain. Habang humagulgol ako I told him.

“Pano nagawa to sa amin ng tatay ko, kung nasaktan siya nang malamang bakla ang anak niya, mas masakit ginawa niya sa mom ko. Walang katumbas ang mga luhang pumapatak sa mga mata ng nanay ko ngayon kumpara sa pigil na luha niya nung nalaman niyang may boyfriend ang anak niya.”

I sat beside him, sabi ko what’s the problem. Nagulat ako sa sinabi niyang nakipagbreak siya kay Maja. That was totally unexpected coming from him na siya yung type ng lalaking gagawa ng ganun for the 2 years that I’ve known him. Napasigaw ako ng bakit, and tahimik lang siya sa sabay bukas ng alak, I was so confused whether what his reason would be kasi napaka-perfect ng relasyon nila. They never argue about anything, about something and most of all not about someone. Kaya natanong ko kung may party bang involved, sabi niya meron daw. At tinanong ko kung sino, kung si Maja ba or siya.

“Putang ina naman Peter, napamahal na sa akin si Maja. Ikaw ba ang may kalaguyo, kinakalantari, or kabit. Prangkahin mo nga ako? Hindi ako naniniwalang magkakaroon siya ng kabit dahil alam kong mahal na mahal ka nung tao.” Sabi ko.

I loved Maja as my sister, from the time she told about her dreams and aspiration to the time she told me about Peter. I know that I have to protect her from him, ang masaktan siya sa katotohanan about Peter. Nung nasa beach kami nung naplano naming tatlo to spend the summer together, she told me “If Peter would be the right guy for me, gusto kong umabot sa point na yung relationship namin is that he would give me heartaches, problems, and show me his weaknesses… yung kasi ang alam kong normal na relationship, hindi yung tulad nito na para bang picture perfect. Kasi sa ngayon, he is like this mystery I am still to unfold. Tama ba? Haha! Eh kasi naman, Peter seems so perfect. Masyadong good boy sa akin. Still, I want to be a part of his world. Sabihin ko siya iyo Kuya maski bestfriend ka niya, I still do not know much of the guy I’ve been in love for almost 6 years in my life. Maski nung nasa college pa kami, he is like this piece of paper waiting to be written with words that express emotions. Ewan ko ba bakit patay na patay ako diyan sa bestfriend mo, para bang maski kaming dalawa. Mas feel ko mas kilala mo pa siya. He feels like a stranger to me, or I’m the stranger in his life. Oh my God, I’m crying na. Ikaw kase eh Kuya.” When Maja opened up that to me, nasabi ko lang, “You are his world. Why worry? Hahaha! Ang drama mo talaga. Tama na nga iyak. Let’s have a toast to that… Mr. Mysterious and her trouble-some girlfriend. Hahahaha.”

Napatayo si Peter sa sofa. Nagulat ako when I saw him enraged in a snap of a finger at what he said, “It’s complicated kase. Hindi ganun kadali yun. Madaling sabihing kasalanan ko pero tao lang ako. I’m a man who can be tempted. Mahirap ring pigilan ang sarili kong hindi matukso.”

So I told him, “Bakit hindi mo pinigilan? Ganon lang kasimple yun Peter, isang simpleng proseso sa pagitan ng Oo at Hindi.”

Tumalikod siya sa akin, at huminga ng malalim.

“Akala ko ba pumunta ka dito para manood?”
“Akala ko ba mahal mo Maja?”
“Akala ko ba kaibigan mo ako?
“Akala ko rin na hindi mo siya kayang saktan? Ikaw na ang pinaka-bobong taong nakilala ko sa planet ng earth alam mo ba yun?”

“Nagawa mo pang magbiro. Iba ka rin. Bakit hindi mo ako kayang intindihin? Pwede bang lawakan mo pag-iisip mo. Stop being so narrow-minded.”

“Narrow-minded ang alin? Ang pagiging tanga mo? Mahirap Peter, mahirap. You just can’t push me to side with you knowing it’s your entire fault.”

“Eh putang ina naman eh, kasalanan mo to lahat. Gago!”

“Aba, gago ka rin! Pano ko naging kasalanan ang lahat Peter? Sige nga, ipaliwanag mo. Ako ba ang may kabit, ako ba ang nakipag-break dahil sa sarili kong katangahan? Ako ba ang natukso? Best friend mo lang ako, pero hindi punching bag mo para ibato mo lahat sa akin ng galit mo at….”

Pinutol niya pagtatalk ko at nagbulalas ng,

“Kasalanan mo ‘to. Kasalanan mo ‘to. Why do you have to make me fall for you? Bakit? I thought you were my friend.”

Napaupo siya sa sofa, I could see him hiding those tears that gave out so much meaning. He put his head on his lap.

“After what happened nung gabing yun, things got cleared in my head. It’s your choice na hindi mangyari yun. Alam mong may girlfriend ako at alam mong mahal ko siya. Pero bakit mas mahal kita. Parang mas mahal kita? Ikaw ang nagpatukso, ikaw ang tumukso sa akin. Madaling humindi. Why did you agree?”

“Anong mahal mo ako, Peter? The most common phrase but never understood. Ang daling isipin pero ang hirap intindihin.”

I walked out on him, at habang nagmamadali na akong tumakbo sa gate palabas. He ran towards me and stopped me from going further. As I hesitated at sumisigaw ng “Bitawan mo ako, this is pointless.”

He grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. At nasuntok ko siya ng malakas, actually hindi ko inexpect na ganun kalakas. Sabi ko sa kanya habang napaupo siya while blood was rushing down his eyebrows.

“Kung hindi ka sigurado Peter sa nararamdaman mo sa akin, kung PARANG lang ang pagmamahal na meron ka diyan sa puso mo. Kung option lang ako dahil narealize mo after all these years na bading ka. Eh magisip-isip ka. Dahil hindi ako tanga, bobo, engot at manhid para pumatol sa tulad mong balimbing. Pagod na ako Peter, sawa na ako sa ganito na puro uncertainties meron sa buhay ko. At ano, bukas hindi mo na ako mahal. Next week medio mahal mo ako, at next month sawa ka na. May isang taong nagmamahal sa iyo Peter, you have the best fucking girlfriend, lover and friend any guy could ever ask. Even as the mother of your future kids, Maja would be the best candidate. It’s not love Peter, it’s just lust dun sa nangyari sa atin. Ngayon kung seseryosohin mo nararamdaman mo sa akin, while I laugh at your stupidity for falling for a guy like me who thinks you are just a friend…. You’re wasting your life.”

He looked at me straight in the eyes, the loneliness that pushes through his soul, lingering, wanting to ask that single question that would determine something, a future unknown.

“Mahal mo ba ako? Sabihin mo kung mahal mo ako, dahil hindi ko na kilala sarili ko para sa iyo.”

“I can’t love you Peter, it takes time before someone would know the answer to a single question he is dying to solve. Para sa iyo, alam mo na yung sagot. Nagpapaligoy-ligoy ka lang. This is stupid, I’m going home.

I walked out his door without looking back. I didn’t cry, why should I? Hindi ba?

Sige na nga, aamin na ako na umiyak ako. Pagdating ko sa bahay I cried my heart out. Hello, kahit sino naman tanga mangyari sayo yun iiyak ka. Iniwan ka na nga ng boyfriend mo at nag-abroad na akala mo sumasalamin na sa katagang PERFECT RELATIONSHIP, tapos darating pa itong isang epal na lalaking may girlfriend na hindi mo namang hindi maiwasang hindi ma-inlove. Pano ba naman, meron isang lalaking parang 24/7 kasama ko. Pag nanonood ng sine, kumain sa labas, pag may gimik, pag out of town siya palage kasama ko. Pag nasiraan ako ng kotse, isang tawag lang andyan na siya. Pag may problema siya sa trabaho, ako kakwentuhan at ginagawang diary niya kesa ung girlfriend niya kase masyado daw positive thinker, minsan naman kailangan lang niya ng taong nakikinig lang, yung walang comment, or minsan babatukan na lang siya pag medyo ‘tanga-tangahan siya.’ Which is ginagawa ko naman pag tanga talaga siya. Nauumpog ko pa yan sa pader pag nagkukwento yan sa akin, tapos pag in-analyze ko ung kwento niya at napansin ko na siya ung may kasalanan. Nag-iinit ulot ko at hindi ko pwedeng pigilan ang sarili kong hindi siya saktan.

At eto pa, nung namatay tatay ko. Syempre galit ako sa tatay ko. Hayun, siya pa ung nagudyok sakin na pumunta sa lamay ng tatay ko maski andun ung second family niya. Talagang todo away kami niyan, para bang mag-asawa. Buti naman ako ung naumpog niya sa pader at natauhang pumunta sa lamay.

Marami kaming napagsamahan, si Peter yung taong hindi pwedeng mawala lang sa buhay ko. Pero alam kong mas lalong hindi pwedeng mawala siya sa buhay ni Maja. Matagal kase ako ma-inlove sa totoo lang. Pero kung ma-inlove man ako, nagiging mautak ako. Which is bad. Kase tinitignan ko na pati ung consequence ng action ko in the future. Eh diba sabi nila, when you fall in love you have to take the risk of everything that involves loving. Bakit nga ba takot na takot akong amining mahal na mahal ko si Peter. Siguro dahil mas hindi ko kayang mawala siya. Kung sakaling maging kami, feeling ko kase iiwanan na naman ako ng isang taong mahal ko. Gaya ng ginawa ni Toffee, biglang nag-emergency exit sa relationship namin kung saan handa kong ibigay buong buhay ko sakanya. Well bata pa nga naman ako nun, mga 20 pa lang ako noon nung ma-experience ko yung first love at the same time masaktan. Hay nako, minsan na nga lang ako ma-inlove tapos ganyan pa ang mangyayari. Kaya mas mabuti ng more than friends pero less than lovers muna kami ni Peter.

Pagdating ko sa bahay, napaisip ako sa sinabi ni Peter. Tama nga siya, I also have the option of rejecting his move which was when he kissed me on that fated night. Pero what has happened that night to the both of us seemed so right and yet so wrong. I didn’t feel like a whore nor a slut after we had sex, maybe because all along alam ko na mahal ko siya. Kaya siguro agree na agree yung puso kong magsex kami, na pati utak ko walang nagawa na i-reject yung idea of having sex with him. Hindi na rin naman lust yung tawag dun kasi para namang wala siyang girlfriend pagbuhusan niya ng libog diba. Eh mas wild pa nga si Maja kesa kay Peter para hindi maging exciting ang sex life nila. Pero bakit ganon, mas gusto niya yung nangyari sa aming dalawa. Alam ko namang hindi siya straight, pero why did he enjoy what the both of us did? Ako rin, bakit hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko? Dahil ba we both are in love?

Maja called me, that was in the late afternoon. Magkita daw kami sa café na malapit sa ko. I smiled when she arrived and hugged her as hard as I can, as long I could. Until she said

“Wag na lang tayong maglokohan at magplastikan, you won.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hindi pa ba sapat sayo na you have him? That he loves you? That he loves more than he loves me?”

“What are you implying, Maj?”

“Do you love him?”

“No…”

“Then break up with him!”

“We are not together Maj, wala naman kami, why don’t you beli…”

I got a slap from her. And she walked out of the café crying. I was speechless. I stirred my coffee slowly. Very slowly. Looked at the waiter serving other people. I noticed Peter infront of me, sitting in front of me. I was so deaf. I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

The pain was unbearable; I couldn’t utter a single word. Words wanted to explode from my mouth. But I was too tired to speak. Too tired to explain and to lie, to him, to her, and to myself. I wanted to collapse and get everything over with. After minutes, I looked into his eyes. Got the courage to speak up.

‘Mahal kita Peter, I just cant.’

That was the last conversation I had with Peter, in that small coffee shop did I say my only form of goodbye. The only goodbye I could ever afford and I could remember. And the only time that I expressed my real feelings for him, my first and last ‘Mahal kita.’

Peter got into a somewhat accident after a year nung nangyari sa coffee shop. Nag-iinuman silang magbabarkada at nakasakay sila sa isang Ford Ranger na open latch sa likod ng car truck. Lasing na halos lahat sila when they drove home. One of them noticed na parang nawawala si Peter. It was too late when they realized na nahulog na siya sa likod ng kotse.

Maja and he never got back together after the event at the coffee shop. And I went out of the country to escape him. After the accident, he was comatosed for 3 months. And I never visited him; actually it was too late when I knew of his accident. Nakatanggap lang ako ng tawag from his parents that Peter died in the hospital while he was recovering and I should visit him in his funeral. His mother insisted that I should come, it’s the last thing I could do for her son. I never had the courage to face him in his condition. I never got the courage to look at him while people were crying so disdainly about his death. Peter’s parents never thought that Maja and him broke up and even though nakakaramdam Mom niya na parang may something kami ng anak niya.

Maja was the one who looked over Peter the whole time he was in the hospital, until the time of his last dying breath. Sabi ni Maja,

“Alam mo ba, one of the things I couldn’t forget about Peter is that mahal ka niya maski hanggang sa huling minutong kasama niya ako. You’re the last person he mentioned before he died. I was holding his hand that night. I was watching over him, when he suddenly mentioned your name. And I couldn’t believe that he loved you that much. Ikaw pa rin asa isip niya.”

I cried and I wanted to do everything to regain the only moments that I had with him, the last moments that is. I knelt down his tombstone and asked for forgiveness. My tears were nothing but a speckle of the past that could never be renewed.

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TO BE CONTINUED

 
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